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Alice’s Gift Guide for the Morbidly Inclined

Dec 4, 2019

By Christine Colby

Even the blackest hearts can enjoy holiday shopping. (And gift-receiving!) Lost on what to buy for the Vampira in your life? Here are some deliciously dark gifts and fishnet-stocking stuffer ideas.

Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? Big Questions from Tiny Mortals About Death by Caitlin Doughty.

Doughty is a best-selling author and probably the world’s most famous funeral director, due to her popular YouTube series “Ask A Mortician.” In her newest book, she fields 35 questions sent to her from her youngest fans, such as “Do people poop when they die?” “What would happen to an astronaut’s body if it were pushed out of a space shuttle?” and of course the titular query. Don’t you want to know?

Mistleskull Hair Clips

Boutique NYC designer House of Mars says their items are “thoughtfully designed and share a winking love of the dark side of style.” For your most festive holiday party looks, these adornments, featuring skulls instead of berries, come with a double-prong clip to attach to hair, lapels, or hats.

The Little Witches Perma’Glow Date With Death Lip Gloss

This nonsticky lip gloss is made from minimal ingredients and has a delectable caramel French toast scent. A bit unexpected, as the name is a play on “Permglo,” which is a fluid added to embalming fluid to punch up the corpse’s color. Did I mention the manufacturer is also a funeral director?

Mourning Person mug

Not everyone is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the morning. Here’s an appropriate mug for a night owl’s wake-up brew. It’s sold by Courtney Lane, who is an artist who specializes in Victorian hairwork.

Wearable Painted Miniatures

 Alternate Empire offers miniature original artworks inspired by nature and the mythical world. Artist Jenn Cortés will hand-paint a highly detailed miniature custom acrylic painting on a nickel-free pendant.

Memorial Pet Portrait

Artist and author Landis Blair will create a completely personalized pen and ink portrait of a beloved pet. His lush cross-hatching style is Victorian and macabre, and he’s described it as “nihilist whimsy.” And OK, fine, he’ll do a portrait of a live pet, too, if you want to be non-morbid about it.

Funeral Parlor sign

Let people know they’re in your spooky domain with this hand-carved solid pine sign. The artist is gothic/darkwave musician Anders Manga, also known for his occult doom metal band, The Bloody Hammers.

Future Corpse T-shirt

This 100% cotton unisex crew-neck tee is also 100% sweatshop free. It will serve to remind you and everyone around you that yes, you are going to die. Maybe it’s time to start thinking about your end of life plans? This death positive shirt benefits The Order of the Good Death.

Death: A Graveside Companion

Edited by Joanna Ebenstein of Brooklyn’s Morbid Anatomy, this gorgeous coffee table tome is 368 pages and features 1,000 death-related images. Anyone intrigued by life’s inevitable end will find inspiration in its 19 essays, some of which cover the Grand Guignol, Medusa, Edgar Allan Poe, and mourning jewelry. If you order through this link, the book will come autographed.

Bat Adoption

All darklings love bats, don’t they? As much as we all want our own bat burrito, this is the next best thing. When you “adopt” a bat through Bat Conservation International, the “parent” will receive an adoption certificate, a small plush bat toy, and profile info on the bat of your choice. The fee goes to support critical bat conservation initiatives, such as combating White-nose Syndrome.

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